Like a ton of bricks

Well, today, I got broken up with for the first time. 
A dumped me. 
the distance and stuff were a lot on her, and our futures didn't really mesh. 
I'm going to take awhile to calm down and be by myself for a bit, and then see if my therapist thinks it's worth asking her to see if we can resolve any of the issues. 

But Breanna says to live in the present and focus on the now, and well, right now we aren't together. 
So that's that. 
I guess i'm going to go to bed now then. 

Numbers

I shouldn't have to live in a world where 72 is more than just a few numbers, instead of the amount of hours you're held on suicide watch, or before you leave treatment ama. 

Two people have been 72'd on watch within the past few months, and that's not okay. I wish I knew what got them to that point, and I hope they now know how to prevent things from getting that far. I don't like to talk about it, but I've been there too. I've been close to just saying "stop the world, I wanna get off". But I know it wasn't really ME saying those things. I was sick. It was my depression, my anxiety, my ED, and a combination of them. 

i know any second that I can chose EDBs over recovery and getting better. Believe me, I've been tempted, especially now since HAIR is over. But I'm using time for self care now, not for self harm. 

I'm not okay right now. I'm not in the best situation or mental headspace. I'll admit that. But I know that I will be okay, if I follow through with what people taught me and what I learned in Eating School. I know I have people who love me and I know that one day I'll love myself. 

I'm not okay. But I will be. 

let's see how many ways this can go wrong

Let's make a checklist of all the things I did on my weekend before graduation, shall we? 

• restricted saturday and sunday
• self harmed on Friday
• drank on Friday 
• had the urge to take laxatives 
• had really bad and low thoughts 

I am disappointed in myself, which is a step, because sometimes this doesn't matter to me. I have nothing to show for it because I'm graduating on thursday. So just shame. 

I worry that my apathy will kill me one day. I know that not everyone recovers fully from this. 25% of people die from it. It happened to a friend of mine's friend. It could happen to any one of us, really. I'm just at a low point right now and I don't like it but it needs to stop. 

whoops

I'm 107 lbs-my target from iop last time. 
I hate that number. I want everything outta my body. 
I was the last to finish meals today at the restaurant and not the last to get their meal either.
I made some poor life choices 
I do not regret them (yet)

Be disappointed in me. 
That's how this goes. 
I screw up and everyone yells at me and then I 
yell at me

conflicting

I ate 4 straight days of meal plan and I'm supposed to feel victorious but instead I feel like crap and bloated and fat. 
It was so so hard to deal with and I had so many urges to just not and say eff everything. But I did it and I can't for the life of me figure out why. 

For some reason I really wanted to do some bad things with my meds but I also didn't do that either. I don't know what's going on lately and I feel like I have no drive or core or direction. 
Everything I am has been shaped by something. I'm play-doh or a shell or I don't even know. 

sleep it off, sleep it off. We'll all be back tomorrow. 

Well then.

A list of things that happened today that weren't so great:

• SO MANY INTRUSIVE THOUGHTS 
• strong pull towards some of them
• especially on the metro this morning
• Very strong urge to self harm
• I didn't act on it bc I don't wanna disappoint my family
• Bombed a psych quiz. 71.
• Didn't complete 2 full meals 
• I'm 20 years old and I can't even do a simple task like cereal and milk without gagging. I feel like an inadequate baby. 
• I know it's physical and not my fault but staff doesn't get it. 
• Lotta things I'm not ready to deal with but will have to anyway
• WORK 
• HOLY SHIT
• I HAVE TO DO THAT YESTERDAY WHY THE EFF DID I WAIT SO LONG THEY'RE NOT GONNA KEEP ME FOR STAFF. 

I'm just really pissed off and angry at myself and the last thing I want people to do is turn it in on them, cause it's not their fault. I'm already bitter about reporting urges for self harm on my form tomorrow, but my Girls have taught me it's better to be honest with your Team, even if it sucks. ugh. 

I hate this. I just wanna sleep forever and not have to go tomorrow. 
But you know what I'll do. 

this might trigger you later

okay, future me?

I want to eat. I have to eat.
Otherwise things will get taken from me, again, for longer periods of time.
I keep saying I'll stop when something bad happens. I will-for a time. Then I'll be back at it again with everything worse than before.

I need to be better for my future little. Whoever they are. They don't deserve a big like this. Sammy, you don't deserve a little like this too. I need to love you more.

I can take care of a plant but I can't take care of myself. I need to wake the fuck up and realize it. ugh.
I hate myself sometimes. I'm so rutted in this, I'm too far in. 
my ocd is crazy because I am spiraling out of control and I need to control everything. 

I need a hug and I need to cry but I can't let myself do that. 

it's been over a month

since I last posted. Things are good, right? I haven't needed to do this, so I must not be having bad thoughts, right? I'm okay, right? 

WRONG. 

I am restricting even more than usual. The nausea does not help. I deserve the nausea. I deserve to feel like shit. I'm going to do my jazz dance push up sequence and maybe even do it twice. I need to push myself. 
I am having so many thoughts and they are not good. I don't want to bug anyone with them so I'm not going to. ED urges are real. You're not going to see me with breakfast tomorrow, or just enough. You can forget about lunch. I'll only have bites of dinner, but there's no way I'm going to enjoy that meal. 

I shouldn't have eaten the cake. Why the hell did I think that was okay? Thank God I didn't go for a second bite. I am never going to eat my feelings. ever. again. 
My period needs to leave my body asap so I don't have to deal with this hormonal cesspool going on right now. 

Just get everything over with so I can be assessed. Lord, give me a reality check that I so desperately need. I almost lost it today, but I'm fine, so I'm all good. Almost. 
Honestly the only thing keeping me from losing it is knowing that I can't alter my appearance for Joshy's show. I can't hurt myself if it's going to show up onstage. 

I need to stop saying no and start saying yes. 
That's way easier said than done. But I'm not going to let that be an excuse. 
I need to get my act together. 
I need a reality check. 
Now. 

A thing

Your Little has a smidge of depression. 
This is new
I don't know how to handle it. 
I'm not handling it. 

let's talk about Trauma

Let's not. 

Like... I know it needs to be addressed. Duh. But even calling it a trauma is something I'm not used to. 
When Michael interviews the pledges, he asks who is their role model or inspiration. They ask who his is. He always says me, every time. I told him that he needed to find another person to pick and asked him why he chooses me. He said it's cause I went though a lot with my surgeries and stuff. 

I didn't choose this. 
It's something that happened to me. Something I needed to just get through. 
Something I don't really remember much of. 

So....Kim gave me trauma work from Bethesda, and said that I could schedule an assessment with them weeks in advance, which I might do. Honestly, I think it's good and I need it. But I want time before camp starts to get with everything. I have to see if I have a solid 4-6 weeks blocked out for this, if it's possible. Because I need the money from camp. Or I can't get to Heidelberg, which I need to do. 

it's a lot going on and I'm really stressed out, but at least I have solid grades in all of my classes, by the grace of God. 

"I bit my finger.." "That doesn't count for a meal exchange."

Treatment is going. 
I guess it's going well? 

I get weighed every program day, so three days a week. This might change, I dunno. 
I had a talk with Stephanie, she's my nutritionist. She want me on a mealplan with a snack of 3-4 exchanges, so basically 4 meals. Ish. 
She told me that I'm supposed to weigh 107. I'm currently 100.7 and not where I need to be but also not super far away ish. It's recommended I gain 1 lb per week. 

The thing is, of course, I knew something bad was going to happen when she told me what I needed to be at. I have an eating disorder for a reason. Weight is a big deal to me. Duh. I've obviously been at 107 before. The thing is? I've been higher than that. Usually 110. Max 115-120. That was maybe freshman year of highschool and I'm not hitting that again. That scares me, that I've been higher. I'm sure I'm probably allowed to be at those numbers, but they said "ideally, we want you here." and I took that to mean that I've been really big before. 
it's really messing with me. 

I dunno how to process that. I'll probably bring it up to heidi on monday, and we'll talk about it there. 

In group yesterday after dinner, it's called UT group (idk) and we drew a situation from recently and processed it. One girl drew herself finally being at a good place with her body and feeling good about herself and being medically ok too, and that her mom would be really proud of her. It made me so happy that she was finally happy with herself, and maybe I could have that too. I know she's young, and I'm not much older than she is. I know that. I totally get what she's going through. We're all here for that. 

It's kind of weird. I'm 20. There's another woman who's older and has a real world job and then ~2 girls who are still in highschool. There's nobody who quite gets  my exact situation of college and being here and having to deal with this. 

Wow.

So. catching up. 

Night IOP is a thing. It's real. Three nights a week for four hours or so. Yeah. Maybe 6-8 weeks, it's all up to ashley I guess. 
This starts wednesday at the earliest. I am terrified. 
I talked to someone who went through Bethesda and they made a lot of friends when they did it, I'm hoping I can have that too. Cause having someone who knows exactly what you're in for is really great. It's great with hydrocephalus. Maybe this will be good too. 

Picking Littles happened. It was great. We got a LOT of new babies. Especially in the Dazzle. 


There was homemade cheesecake and I got some because I loved cheesecake. It was home made by someone I love. I cried when I ate it, it was so good and I'd haven't had it in so long. I was so scared. I did a bad thing yesterday to make sure I could pig out on foods today. I shouldn't have to cry over cheesecake. Paul literally had to put the forkful in my mouth. It was actually kinda funny. 
 One day. 

I thought for awhile about taking someone. I really did. Considering that everyone in our family except me and sammy took littles, it was a lot. 
But I know that I'm NOT in a good place to take a little right now. It wouldn't be fair to them if I was still dealing with my own ish and couldn't love them properly like I know I want to. 
Having this going on and knowing it's taking so much out of me, I want to love them with all of me, and I know I can't do that right now. 

Someone will come along next year and I will hopefully be in a place where I can love them fully with everything I have. 

One day, little one. 
Until then, I'll love my cousins and nieces and every other relation with everything I've got, just like always. 

It's a good thing. It'll be okay. 

Woop Woop Woop. Welcome to the family. 

I did this to me.

Tomorrow we go over the bloodwork from last week. 
I'm scared af. 
Then I get a physical done with miss Bonnie and it gets faxed to Ashley and she'll email or call me or whatever and then give me a recommendation as to what level of treatment I need and how strongly she recommends it. 
Which, as an adult, I can refuse. 

I effed up big time. I'm 20. I shouldn't be doing this.  I left you guys last semester and I might have to leave you guys again. For at least a month. I don't know if I can do this. I might ask if I can just do night iop and then that's only 3 days a week and I just wouldn't be able to do a ton of alpha psi late night things on Monday, Wednesday, or Thursday. That's fine. 
But going home and knowing i can't come back for a month again will wreck me. I know you'll all still be here when I'm back. But still. I know it hurts y'all when I'm gone 

I know I did this to me in the biggest sense of the word.

 I hate that this hurts you guys too. I hate that I'm proabably not going to be able to o to heidelberg, not just cause I can't afford it. I hate that I haven't told Joe yet and that Laura knows but she doesn't know evrything or how severe it is. I hate that I can't tell them, I hate that I fucked up majorly. 

I'm so scared and I want to be able to deal with it alone but i know I can't. i hate knowing that I'll probably end up sleeping over with Laura again cause that's what I do on bad nights, and that I can't just get over it. i know she likesknowing what's happening.  I'm scared to tell her. I'm really really scared. 

You know when you have a thought and it connects to something you haven't thought of in awhile? 
Bobba Fett. 

My friend Jaimee-Leigh used to obsess over Star Wars with her brother Roo. They lived in the UK and we'd chat about stuff and email all the time. I totally forgot about what happened and why we lost touch, and I went to email her and catch up, but she deleted the account. I tried finding her tumblr, but i think she blocked me? 
We were really good friends, and we went through so much together. Kinda hurt that she did that. 
im a little hurt by it. 

tomorrow

Ugh. I don't want to go
I don't want to go
I really don't want to do this. 
Do I have to? 
Really? 
yeah. I should. 
I could just not go. 
But that's not why I made the call
I have to go
I don't want to go. 

I'm freaking out. My physical and maybe my bloodwork are tomorrow. I am so anxious it's crazy and I just want to scream and cry. But I can't. 

I don't want to go. This weekend hasn't been the best one. It was fun, but I didn't do what I was supposed to do, I let the Thing win. It's not good. I don't want to have a breakdown but I think I need a big screaming crying session, but I'd be embarassed to have anyone see. This all basically determines levels and stuff for real, like, bloodwork doesn't lie. I can't get out of that. The recommendations based off of the results are legit and there's no way around them and it's just like AAAHHHHHHHH and I can't really take it. 

I don't know anymore. 

The Thing

You know. the bear. That one. 
It's still here. Nausea is real. 
Anxiety is real. 

Part of me wants to get better. But part of me doesn't. You know that. It's super hard and being home doesn't make it easier. Being back will, I think. But also harder too, because school and food and people and classes. It'll be different. 

Today didn't help much. I'm 102. 
How could I have gained four pounds in a day that can't be right that's wrong and you know it no no no no
Tomorrow is different.