this might trigger you later

okay, future me?

I want to eat. I have to eat.
Otherwise things will get taken from me, again, for longer periods of time.
I keep saying I'll stop when something bad happens. I will-for a time. Then I'll be back at it again with everything worse than before.

I need to be better for my future little. Whoever they are. They don't deserve a big like this. Sammy, you don't deserve a little like this too. I need to love you more.

I can take care of a plant but I can't take care of myself. I need to wake the fuck up and realize it. ugh.
I hate myself sometimes. I'm so rutted in this, I'm too far in. 
my ocd is crazy because I am spiraling out of control and I need to control everything. 

I need a hug and I need to cry but I can't let myself do that. 

it's been over a month

since I last posted. Things are good, right? I haven't needed to do this, so I must not be having bad thoughts, right? I'm okay, right? 

WRONG. 

I am restricting even more than usual. The nausea does not help. I deserve the nausea. I deserve to feel like shit. I'm going to do my jazz dance push up sequence and maybe even do it twice. I need to push myself. 
I am having so many thoughts and they are not good. I don't want to bug anyone with them so I'm not going to. ED urges are real. You're not going to see me with breakfast tomorrow, or just enough. You can forget about lunch. I'll only have bites of dinner, but there's no way I'm going to enjoy that meal. 

I shouldn't have eaten the cake. Why the hell did I think that was okay? Thank God I didn't go for a second bite. I am never going to eat my feelings. ever. again. 
My period needs to leave my body asap so I don't have to deal with this hormonal cesspool going on right now. 

Just get everything over with so I can be assessed. Lord, give me a reality check that I so desperately need. I almost lost it today, but I'm fine, so I'm all good. Almost. 
Honestly the only thing keeping me from losing it is knowing that I can't alter my appearance for Joshy's show. I can't hurt myself if it's going to show up onstage. 

I need to stop saying no and start saying yes. 
That's way easier said than done. But I'm not going to let that be an excuse. 
I need to get my act together. 
I need a reality check. 
Now.