Depression

Maybe it's my period.
Maybe it's mepron.

Maybe it's just me.

This week is supposed to be one of the happiest, one of celebration that I've come so far. Instead I'm skipping meals and dreaming about working myself out to the brink of exhaustion.

I hate depression. It's really scary bad. But I'm not going to do anything about it, so it's useless having these thoughts.

why am I even here?
who knows.

holding on like a death grip

It's so stupid. 
I don't wanna give the new stage parents the login info. I don't want to finally say goodbye. Then, once I do, it's finally over. That's scary. 

Sometimes, still, I dream that there was a mix up, a fluke, a recount, and I'm stage mom again. I need to wake the hell up and realize that no matter how bad I want it to happen, it's not going to. 

I hope the trend is right, and next year is a surgery year, because that's the only thing that makes sense to my brain as to why. Which, again, is stupid and petty and dumb. I know people had their reasons. I know they're valid. 
It's just so crazy, and I can't let it go, and I can't understand. My brain needs to shut up, and I need to email them. 

Gosh I'm childish. 

count backwards from ten, and you won't even get to three before it's all taken away. 

Little Life Upd8

• Well. Things Happened 
• I might have another new illness. Like, haven't I already lost the genetic/body Lottery enough? I just want this pain to go away. I'm sick of being the sick one, how's that for a funny?
• I got a Little who makes my life full of joy. Something good. 
• I remembered the name of the guy who assaulted me. Isaac. 

I'm just really fed up with being sick in some way. like, when's it gonna be fixed? Is any of it genetic? You know i hate not knowing things, and look where I am now. 

I need to practice my self rev this weekend but I legit do not have the energy to do anything, and I guess I'll pay for it later. Not like I haven't done that before. I put my all into things for Gene. You know that. 

Funny, Dr. Mary was like "You're gonna get into the musical, right? Well email Ebeth bc you need a performance lab". Umm that's not how this works... 

But I'm glad she's confident in me. :) 

A lot is happening and NONE OF US SIGNED UP FOR THIS AT ALL AND IM SUPER PISSED WITH A CAPE ABOUT IT. 

Fly When You Think You Can't Walk

(Or: On the Night Before the Doctors)

Well. Here we are, again. Instead of usually going into the doctor like a stubborn bull, demanding head CTs, MRIs, and experimental surgery, I'm going in with a flimsy map of lab results, and the inability to walk or stand without pain. It sucks. 
The tests say it could be a bunch of things. I'm thinking it's probably lupus, that's what matched up with both the patterns. I have no idea, it's amateur doctor night at the Q house. Mom says she'll call Uncle Paul, an actual doctor. 

I'm worried that the new dx, if/when it comes, will totally rock my world. I mean, we can go down the list:
Hydrocephalus with slit ventricles 
Chiari Malformation
Anxiety/Depression/Anorexia
Possible Glaucoma

I think I'm missing  something? Oh well. 
I know I'll adjust in time, but like, it's still kinda scary. I hate the unknown, you know that. But since doin this whole Jesus thing, you've pointed out to me that God's got my back. Which is awesome, that I don't have to face this alone, y'kno? 
Anyway, on the Frey Life they mentioned Isaiah 40:31. 

"But those who trust in the LORD will find new strength. They will soar high on wings like eagles. They will run and not grow weary. They will walk and not faint"

So I have to trust that when things get hard and I'm 100% done and at a loss, God's got my back. When I feel like crap and have to hang out by the wall to get my strength up and convince myself I can make it to the elevator, He's got me. 
Fly when you think you can't walk. Do what you think you can't do. I have no idea what's to come of this appointment tomorrow, and it's scary as all get out. But I'm not alone. 

Like a ton of bricks

Well, today, I got broken up with for the first time. 
A dumped me. 
the distance and stuff were a lot on her, and our futures didn't really mesh. 
I'm going to take awhile to calm down and be by myself for a bit, and then see if my therapist thinks it's worth asking her to see if we can resolve any of the issues. 

But Breanna says to live in the present and focus on the now, and well, right now we aren't together. 
So that's that. 
I guess i'm going to go to bed now then. 

Numbers

I shouldn't have to live in a world where 72 is more than just a few numbers, instead of the amount of hours you're held on suicide watch, or before you leave treatment ama. 

Two people have been 72'd on watch within the past few months, and that's not okay. I wish I knew what got them to that point, and I hope they now know how to prevent things from getting that far. I don't like to talk about it, but I've been there too. I've been close to just saying "stop the world, I wanna get off". But I know it wasn't really ME saying those things. I was sick. It was my depression, my anxiety, my ED, and a combination of them. 

i know any second that I can chose EDBs over recovery and getting better. Believe me, I've been tempted, especially now since HAIR is over. But I'm using time for self care now, not for self harm. 

I'm not okay right now. I'm not in the best situation or mental headspace. I'll admit that. But I know that I will be okay, if I follow through with what people taught me and what I learned in Eating School. I know I have people who love me and I know that one day I'll love myself. 

I'm not okay. But I will be. 

let's see how many ways this can go wrong

Let's make a checklist of all the things I did on my weekend before graduation, shall we? 

• restricted saturday and sunday
• self harmed on Friday
• drank on Friday 
• had the urge to take laxatives 
• had really bad and low thoughts 

I am disappointed in myself, which is a step, because sometimes this doesn't matter to me. I have nothing to show for it because I'm graduating on thursday. So just shame. 

I worry that my apathy will kill me one day. I know that not everyone recovers fully from this. 25% of people die from it. It happened to a friend of mine's friend. It could happen to any one of us, really. I'm just at a low point right now and I don't like it but it needs to stop.