panto

Michael was supposed to come to Panto today. 
He came home from college yesterday, I think. He went drinking with his friend Tim, and came home tipsy. 
He couldn't make it to panto. 

I had been working my ass off for this show and I didn't even know I was going to be in it this month. All I wanted was him there. You all know he's my favorite person, non-negotiable, he comes first. But apparently alcohol and Tim are more important than seeing me in a show for the first time. He couldn't see midsummer because he had school, and I was beyond excited that he was coming. And when he texted me my entire mood just dropped. I was not at my best today. My performance wasn't spectacular. 

I just wish he thought ahead. I didn't cry, I couldn't cry, i had a show to do. But I wanted to. I still do. Now I'm home alone while Laura went off to hang out, which is alright. I just really don't want to be alone right now. 
I'll probably go to bed. 

coming back

Sometimes it's hard coming back
I don't remember much. It's really disorienting when people tell you what went down andI had surgery but I remmeber nothing. 
I'm really behind. 

Part of me's like "If you waited until break you'd've been fine", but another part knows that's probably waaay wrong. 

I miss everyone a lot. I wish I was in Panto still. 
But there's always hope for next month. Hopefully Ira will let me do it, because I'm ready, and I can do it, it's just that time isn't on my side this month. I get that. Things happen. He wants me to be safe and do what's best for all the people who worked so hard. 
I gave myself a day to be salty about it, and now I'm at peace with it, mostly. I'm still hoping for december.  

adjusting is hard. I'm gonna have a lot of work to do. 
I need to gain weight again, this always happens with this. But I don't want to gain too much, that's a problem. 

Things are gonna happen, and I'm gonna have to deal.
sigh

Things

Things are happening. 
It's scary and beyond my control so much but my brain is starting to do things it did last sophomore and senior year and I really don't wanna go down that road again. Like can we not? 

I hate it. 
I hate worrying people cause there's nothing any of us can do about any of it for the timebeing, so why give them cause to worry? 
I need to be better about not letting it show. It worries people already, especially Laura and my mom, and I don't want to do that, they have so so much going on s it is and I don't want to add to their plates. 

We will just have to wait, I guess. 
It's scary, but I can deal. 

Grammar

I got a thirty percent on our quiz, a long time ago. 
I've put tons of effort into studying for this retake and it kept being pushed back and back and whatever. 
Maggy and I emailed him and he finally put it up on BB. 
It was supposed to be posted friday. 

I am freaking out so much about this quiz, I am going to do poorly, I am going to fail. I just...so much scary bad feels on this one and no no do not want. I wish I could drop the class but mom would kill me. It's not required if I switch to dual major....
Se said the only class I could drop would be german, which I excel in. 

I do not know what to do and our first test is wednesday and I am by no means ready and I am so scared becuase I am not going to do well. 

I don't want to, but I am freaking out over this quiz. I prbably wont stop. 


anxiety attacks? Is that what this is? I don't know. It sucks. 
a lot. maybe I can sleep tonight, idk.

Do it For Her/Him

In which I am Connie. 
I will do anything for the people I love. 
Even if it meant dying. 

I'll fight for the things and the people I believe in. 

dark things

School is here. It's okay. 
My mentees are lovely people who want to be there. 
That is wonderful. 

I'm still stressed out. I worry about a lot of things. A lot of people. My mentees, my roommate, my friends. I worry about myself too, of course, but I'm a backseat to making sure everyone else is okay. That's how it is. How it's been for a long time. 
I worry about people a lot. 
I'm trying to stop worrying, but I think it's impossible. 

I worry a heck of a lot about my future. What do I even want to do with myself? 
I need to get myself together. 
I need money for Germany
I need to make things happen, and they're not going to come to me if I'm just sitting here. 

I think I might e on my way to having anxiety. It's not too bad yet, but when it's dark, it's dark. I want to not be able to worry for a few days, not a few hours. Lots of time I'm ok, I'm good, don't gt me wrong. But sometimes it's like sadness is running my console. 

I don't want anyone to worry. Please don't. I hate thinking that I'm taking up people's time, and part of me knows I'm not, but a bigger part of me worries that I am a huge inconvenience to people. That side wins. 
A lot of the time. 

fainting

One of my campers came back today. She was out sick Weds and Thursday with something. 
Short story. She left before 11. 

She said she wasn't feeling well, and my CIT took her to the bathroom to get a drink or something, whatever. 

She fainted. Then when she woke up she vomited. 
Poor baby. 
My CIT told Maggie she "wasn't feeling well and went home." Which is true. But when a kid loses consciousness we need to know exactly what happens. Turns out she fell forward on all fours and didn't hit her head, which is great. 

That scares me a lot though, wow. 
Especially cause I know what that's like and it IS scary. I hope she's okay for Monday, maybe she wasn't ready to come back physically, but you could tell she was excited for camp. I don't want her to worry. 

I'm always lowkey worried when doing dance or something, that I'll overdo it and go to ground. Maggie and I have a plan, but I don't want it to happen. Although I'm gonna exercise my ass off tuesday in that Belle dress, omg. Trying to provoke it but still be safe, so the doctor can figure out what's going on and how we can fix. I'm at the place where it's lowkey symptoms and if I keep going I will hit ground, but I pull myself out of it and I'm good. 

I wish that little girl didn't have to go through that. She'll be okay. 

Note to self

Appreciate your directors.
Utilize them to be scary people when you need them to be.
don't wait until there's two days left.

you shouldn't have to suffer at camp, it's supposed to be fun for you too. 



You can't cry at camp.
It's really a big no.
It drops morale and enthusiasm real quickly
I can't tell you how many times we've all had to just take a walk today because we would end up yelling and making things worse for the kids if we didn't. 
It was bad. 
Very bad.

I waited until I got home to cry. It's okay. 
I am so drained and done with a lot of these kids and it really sucks that that's the case. A lot of them are wonderful and lovely and angels and they try their best but the two or three jerks have to ruin it for everyone. 

I swear to God if the Hooligans have the balls to show up to camp these next few days, I will just go off. I do not need to worry more than I already am this session, but they're in the back of my mind all the time. 

It's Always Second Session.

A lot of bad things happened inside and outside of camp and I kinda need to rant. 

Without fail, every summer I've done full camp (mmm...about three now? This is my fourth? I dunno) second session always goes to hell.

• weird themes (planes, trains, boats, cars/new york new york/decades)
• Songs and dances that are either
• Strange
• complicated 
• or both
• Complicated campers
• medically (which is totally not their fault at all, but it is challenging for us)
• behaviorally (oh, he's off his meds because it's summer! Do you not understand how rigorous this camp is?)
• both
• other
• Complex staff
• Sometimes our CITs are wonderful and we really squad up and make it through together. Think Wendell. 
• Other times they're absolute crap lazy bums who do nothing and are really chummy with the kids when that's not allowed in the handbook
• thankfully, we have wonderful CITs this session who are the Squad up variety. This is not always the case.
• 9/10 times we have a full camp
• This year we're actually OVER enrollment by two. 

A lot went wrong today. Some of it was preventable. Most of it was preventable, actually. Kids and parents KNOW this is a PEANUT FREE CAMP. INCLUDING PEANUT PRODUCTS.

so, please tell me why you felt it was okay to brig your child a pb&j for lunch when you've been here fr four weeks. There are kids who are severely allergic. No. 
Also, kids, Quiet means quiet. I absolutely hate hate hate yelling at the campers. This is camp and I know it's super challenging and tough but I want it to be fun for them. Today I had to raise my voice and crack down at them and I absolutely feel horrible about it. 100%. Those kids really tested us so much just because they knew there were no directors watching. 

I...just...today so far was really kinda crappy and this was not the way I wanted to go into tech tomorrow. I have so much to do with camp and class and session 3. I hate when this is stressful. Soon it will be third session and everything will be better. 

Oh. also. Boy's been drinking a lot recently. He goes to his friend Jarrod's or has a few beers here. With permission and every once and awhile is absolutely fine. But when you have another without asking Mom? No. Wrong. 
He wanted to go again tonight and mom shut that down real quick. 
He thinks if he has one beer and waits four hours, he's good to drive. Alcohol passes through everyone at a different rate. 
There is a history of alcoholism in my family. Two people in my family generationally below my grandparents have it. 
I've seen how much it can screw up your life. For his birthday, my uncle asked his parents to pay his electric bill. Because he drinks too much of his paycheck to pay it himself. I absolutely love my uncle to pieces. His life has taken a horrible turn and I am so scared that Boy will turn out like that. Fortunately the other person with alcoholism has managed to turn their life around, went to AA when we were little, and doesn't even touch beer. Occasionally he'll have a fake beer, again, totally fine. 

Alcohol is illegal for Boy right now. I'm not even majorly worried about him getting busted. I'm worried about him screwing his life up permanently. 
He knows this, it's no secret. 
He just needs to get his effing act together before he screws up so bad we can't help him. He's nowhere near that point right now. I just know that he has the possibility to get there and it's really quite scary.

ugh

Mom doesn't mean it, but she's kinda being a transphobic butt. 

There's a transwoman who went to a swim meet in our neoghborhood who had the same dress as my mom's friend (and wore it better!) which mad mom's friend slightly mad. 

Yes, trans people do have issues. 
So would you if everyone told you you were living your life wrong from the way you truly felt.
It's like telling someone with blue eyes that they're brown. That person knows they have blue eyes, they can see it, but when the light reflects off the other person's eyes, they don't see the blue you know is there. 

It's really frustrating. 
She'll come around. 
I hope.

The Good and the Bad

Good:
Getting paid!! Yaas!
Also I'm 90% sure one of the CITs I did a snow white camp with back when I was in 5th grade and she was in 3rd. Will have to confirm.

Bad:
Feeling off around the kids. I hate that a lot. I don't want them to see me if bad things happen. That whole being-a-burden thing. Not in front of the kids.

I also totally forgot there was a step and fell/tripped on the way out of the staff meeting. New bruise! Marquise was like omg Q are you okay? Yeah. I'm good. 

So, camp happened.

During art, the kids were painting and whatnot, doing their thing.
Then the kids start asking each other what they wanna be when they grow up. Cute answers like actor or vet or scientist come up. Go girls! 

Then Maggie makes the kids guess our majors. They're nine, they don't know what that means. So she makes them guess what we want to be when we grow up. 

I don't know the answer to that question. I am not a fan of that question at all. I'm so pulled in so many different directions it's insane. I'm working on figuring it all out, very slowly waiting for God to reveal His plan, trying to stay open minded and receptive. 

Waiting is really hard. 

Then, this week, show week, of course. My self esteem is really low. I don't feel good about myself, and I have been taking really good care of my skin, but somehow I have a ton of new pimples? So I'm snapchatting less and less which sucks because that's something I really like doing but I'm embarrassed. I know they'll go away soon but acne makes me feel ugly. I don't like it. I've always been praised for having super-clear skin by my family and friends. So when I get one little zit I naturally freak. It's not perfect anymore. That sucks. I shouldn't let a few little pimples make me feel crappy, but it happens. It's happening. Ugh. 

"can you imagine the world if we only saw souls and not bodies?"

from this-is-whoiam on tumblr

It's almost 1 am and I'm maybe halfway done with my bibliography, maybe. Like over 20 pictures to cite I think. I lost count honestly.

So excuse me if I'm profound and deep rn.

This is such a lovely concept. Seeing someone's soul and not their body. you'd know exactly what they wanted and if they were good or malicious at heart in their core. You can't fake any of that. It's your soul, the truest essence of a person.

I really hope my soul is a good one. You know how people perceive you differently than you perceive yourself? That's a thing. I mean, to me, I don't view myself highly. I don't think I'm a champion. I don't. I am the farthest from it right now. I'm like, last place. Participant ribbon.

I hope that people think my soul is a good one. I hope one day I can be a champion. Maybe one day I'll know for sure. Not today.

Oh Hey! A Bucket List

Thought about making one of these before. It's a work in progress
boop boop
here I go! 

• Go to a Florence and the Machine concert in the front row
• florence welch omg
• Tori Kelly concert
• Fall Out Boy concert
• go to Germany
• Learn enough German to go to Germany proficiently
• during christmas market season.
• with people I know and love
• Travel outside the US
• Go to Seattle
• Go to hawaii
• Go to all the Disney parks
• Go to a disney park with the dazzle (because how amazing would that be!?!)
• Go trapezeing and conquer my fear of heights
• Ride a bike
• Drive
• Aerial silks
• Unicycle? Maybe? 
• Learn German, ASL, and german sign language
• also probably spanish
• be confident to speak languages I learn instead of being some kinda understanding spy dude
• Be a lead in a show

I think that's it for now. It's certainly a long one. Some of them I'm working on right now. Others will take time. 

Is this a sign?

Well, this popped up on my dash, thanks to imapartofallthativemet:

Note to Self: You gotta do this for you. This is for you. This isn't about anybody. Live for you. Honor you. Never lose sight of that.

She said in the tags that she's gonna be a bomb ass lawyer. I fully believe it. I think this is God's nudging me in a direction. Which direction? We will see. 

Orion

This is a galaxy of thought. So why can't they be named off of constellations? 
Starters, I heard this song on the radio and I absolutely loved it. 

The song is Bright by Echosmith. I love it a lot. It's just a happy love song. I love happy positive ooohh aaahh love songs. 

Secondly: Early in the morning when I was having pipe dream thoughts (because duh, you were there. Carrie Hope Fletcher was also there. Kinda. Indirectly. Whatever.) and you told me patience and faith and I made in a quick phone call to God and all that. 

Today I googled what the Bible says about careers. (My friend Heather told me that you should use the Bible like a GPS-when you don't know where to go, use a map! In this case, a bible is a spiritual roadmap. I suppose.)
http://www.openbible.info/topics/choosing_a_career

A few top picks:

• Psalm 32:8 I will instruct you and teach you in the way you should go; I will counsel you with my eye upon you.
• Psalm 37: 4 Delight yourself in the Lord, and he will give you the desires of your heart.
• Romans 8:28 And we know that for those who love God all things work together for good, for those who are called according to his purpose.
• Galatians 6:9 And let us not grow weary of doing good, for in due season we will reap, if we do not give up.
• Hebrews 6:15 And thus Abraham, having patiently waited, obtained the promise.

Makes me feel a lot better about giving up my plans to God. He knows what he's doing (I mean, we've gotten this far.) Hopefully I'll have the patience to wait for an answer. When the time comes to pick a career, hopefully I'll know I am making the right choice, regardless of what people think.

At the end of the day, it doesn't matter what other people think.

 It only matters if one person is happy. 

Me. 

Things like money matter. But money won't matter as much if I'm happy doing what I love. 

Dear God,

Take your time. No rush. As soon as you have a plan thought out, please let me know. I'm listening.

Mandy

Bike riding is hard, yo

Perfect weight.

I am not the perfect weight. 
Far from it.
According to my mom, I should be 100-108lbs. That's skinny. Healthy. Perfect. 
I am not this weight. I am 111.2 lbs. According to mom, that's not good. It's 'we should buy you new pants', it's 'suck it in' weight. She weighed 120lbs once in her life, for swim team, and a lot of that was muscle. 
I need to lose weight. 

I'm used to being on the low side of the charts. Hell, I wasn't even on the chart for the longest time. I don't remember what it was last year. It was still lowish, but average, but not perfect. 

Take me back to college. Take me to camp. I want to not be judged when I eat ice cream or cookies or given knowing looks when I have a salad. 

It'll be better next week when I'm not crampy or bloated or craving things. I'm a whiny mess. I'm having a hormonal meltdown, it's not pretty. But It Happens.
I'm sorry. I don't wanna talk about it. 
Hugs would be good. I'm gonna cuddle with the zerbra and Bert my hippo. 
I need to hydrate more. Then I'll feel better. 

This is another whiny pipe dream rant.

usually I'd put a read more and tag this as 'ignore this' on tumblr. you really don't have to read this.


My cousin (ish, everyone we don't know the relation to is automatically a cousin) Stephanie went to LA and the UK for awhile. She tried and tried to land a role in shows and movies but nothing worked out Her dad even funded a large chunk of some project but it bailed. 
The closest she got was an extra in Bella and Edward's wedding in Breaking Dawn. 

That is a big reason why Mimi and Mister don't support theatre as a career. Mom was on my side for  bit and then completely switched. I understand the need for having a stable income and how that's super important for insurance and food and rent and how it's a tough life in theatre always bouncing and looking for the next thing so you can have money. 

That doesn't mean I don't love it. That doesn't mean I can't try!! I know I'm not the greatest thing out there. I am fully aware. 

without theatre, I don't know what I'm going to do with my life. It has always been a huge part of my life nd I can't give it up. I know they won't support a english and theatre double major. They want something I can get a stable and respectable career in. (Not that teaching makes tons of money either).

I'm just really at a loss (as usual) and kind of devastated. But I'm also sick and cranky and overanalyzing and overthinking again. It's really weird when people ask me what my major is and I usually tell them "i'm a declared english major but I'm thinking about doing xyz". Then they ask what I'm planning to do as a career and their faces when I say "I don't know" are full of disappointment. I'm 19! I have no idea what I am doing!! 

I want to do so many things. I just need to prove that they're stable. Boy is looking into Physical Therapy, something medical. Something stable and safe. I feel like crap and that Im being unrealistic and childish. 

Somebody pick a career for me. I am very tempted to just declare a theatre minor and see if I can bump it up to a major later. But I am so scared of disappointing other people and what they'd think. 

I just can't imagine my life without theatre being in it in a major way. It's been that way since first grade. I can't live like that. This is something that's always on my mind somewhere. my ignore this tag has a lot of posts like this. 

God I'm being overdramatic, I'm sorry. I should probably go do something to take my mind off of it. 

Hey Mama

When you're driving through states climbing up the radio channels looking for some form of music or anything as long as it's not talk radio and this is the first song to come on: 

Hey Mama by David Guetta ft Niki Minaj, Bebe Rexha and Afrojack

radiolocator.com is a Godsend. I now know many stations in NJ and DE lol. 

Hey Mama is stuck in my head.