"I bit my finger.." "That doesn't count for a meal exchange."

Treatment is going. 
I guess it's going well? 

I get weighed every program day, so three days a week. This might change, I dunno. 
I had a talk with Stephanie, she's my nutritionist. She want me on a mealplan with a snack of 3-4 exchanges, so basically 4 meals. Ish. 
She told me that I'm supposed to weigh 107. I'm currently 100.7 and not where I need to be but also not super far away ish. It's recommended I gain 1 lb per week. 

The thing is, of course, I knew something bad was going to happen when she told me what I needed to be at. I have an eating disorder for a reason. Weight is a big deal to me. Duh. I've obviously been at 107 before. The thing is? I've been higher than that. Usually 110. Max 115-120. That was maybe freshman year of highschool and I'm not hitting that again. That scares me, that I've been higher. I'm sure I'm probably allowed to be at those numbers, but they said "ideally, we want you here." and I took that to mean that I've been really big before. 
it's really messing with me. 

I dunno how to process that. I'll probably bring it up to heidi on monday, and we'll talk about it there. 

In group yesterday after dinner, it's called UT group (idk) and we drew a situation from recently and processed it. One girl drew herself finally being at a good place with her body and feeling good about herself and being medically ok too, and that her mom would be really proud of her. It made me so happy that she was finally happy with herself, and maybe I could have that too. I know she's young, and I'm not much older than she is. I know that. I totally get what she's going through. We're all here for that. 

It's kind of weird. I'm 20. There's another woman who's older and has a real world job and then ~2 girls who are still in highschool. There's nobody who quite gets  my exact situation of college and being here and having to deal with this. 

Wow.

So. catching up. 

Night IOP is a thing. It's real. Three nights a week for four hours or so. Yeah. Maybe 6-8 weeks, it's all up to ashley I guess. 
This starts wednesday at the earliest. I am terrified. 
I talked to someone who went through Bethesda and they made a lot of friends when they did it, I'm hoping I can have that too. Cause having someone who knows exactly what you're in for is really great. It's great with hydrocephalus. Maybe this will be good too. 

Picking Littles happened. It was great. We got a LOT of new babies. Especially in the Dazzle. 


There was homemade cheesecake and I got some because I loved cheesecake. It was home made by someone I love. I cried when I ate it, it was so good and I'd haven't had it in so long. I was so scared. I did a bad thing yesterday to make sure I could pig out on foods today. I shouldn't have to cry over cheesecake. Paul literally had to put the forkful in my mouth. It was actually kinda funny. 
 One day. 

I thought for awhile about taking someone. I really did. Considering that everyone in our family except me and sammy took littles, it was a lot. 
But I know that I'm NOT in a good place to take a little right now. It wouldn't be fair to them if I was still dealing with my own ish and couldn't love them properly like I know I want to. 
Having this going on and knowing it's taking so much out of me, I want to love them with all of me, and I know I can't do that right now. 

Someone will come along next year and I will hopefully be in a place where I can love them fully with everything I have. 

One day, little one. 
Until then, I'll love my cousins and nieces and every other relation with everything I've got, just like always. 

It's a good thing. It'll be okay. 

Woop Woop Woop. Welcome to the family. 

I did this to me.

Tomorrow we go over the bloodwork from last week. 
I'm scared af. 
Then I get a physical done with miss Bonnie and it gets faxed to Ashley and she'll email or call me or whatever and then give me a recommendation as to what level of treatment I need and how strongly she recommends it. 
Which, as an adult, I can refuse. 

I effed up big time. I'm 20. I shouldn't be doing this.  I left you guys last semester and I might have to leave you guys again. For at least a month. I don't know if I can do this. I might ask if I can just do night iop and then that's only 3 days a week and I just wouldn't be able to do a ton of alpha psi late night things on Monday, Wednesday, or Thursday. That's fine. 
But going home and knowing i can't come back for a month again will wreck me. I know you'll all still be here when I'm back. But still. I know it hurts y'all when I'm gone 

I know I did this to me in the biggest sense of the word.

 I hate that this hurts you guys too. I hate that I'm proabably not going to be able to o to heidelberg, not just cause I can't afford it. I hate that I haven't told Joe yet and that Laura knows but she doesn't know evrything or how severe it is. I hate that I can't tell them, I hate that I fucked up majorly. 

I'm so scared and I want to be able to deal with it alone but i know I can't. i hate knowing that I'll probably end up sleeping over with Laura again cause that's what I do on bad nights, and that I can't just get over it. i know she likesknowing what's happening.  I'm scared to tell her. I'm really really scared. 

You know when you have a thought and it connects to something you haven't thought of in awhile? 
Bobba Fett. 

My friend Jaimee-Leigh used to obsess over Star Wars with her brother Roo. They lived in the UK and we'd chat about stuff and email all the time. I totally forgot about what happened and why we lost touch, and I went to email her and catch up, but she deleted the account. I tried finding her tumblr, but i think she blocked me? 
We were really good friends, and we went through so much together. Kinda hurt that she did that. 
im a little hurt by it.