Numbers

I shouldn't have to live in a world where 72 is more than just a few numbers, instead of the amount of hours you're held on suicide watch, or before you leave treatment ama. 

Two people have been 72'd on watch within the past few months, and that's not okay. I wish I knew what got them to that point, and I hope they now know how to prevent things from getting that far. I don't like to talk about it, but I've been there too. I've been close to just saying "stop the world, I wanna get off". But I know it wasn't really ME saying those things. I was sick. It was my depression, my anxiety, my ED, and a combination of them. 

i know any second that I can chose EDBs over recovery and getting better. Believe me, I've been tempted, especially now since HAIR is over. But I'm using time for self care now, not for self harm. 

I'm not okay right now. I'm not in the best situation or mental headspace. I'll admit that. But I know that I will be okay, if I follow through with what people taught me and what I learned in Eating School. I know I have people who love me and I know that one day I'll love myself. 

I'm not okay. But I will be.