tomorrow

Ugh. I don't want to go
I don't want to go
I really don't want to do this. 
Do I have to? 
Really? 
yeah. I should. 
I could just not go. 
But that's not why I made the call
I have to go
I don't want to go. 

I'm freaking out. My physical and maybe my bloodwork are tomorrow. I am so anxious it's crazy and I just want to scream and cry. But I can't. 

I don't want to go. This weekend hasn't been the best one. It was fun, but I didn't do what I was supposed to do, I let the Thing win. It's not good. I don't want to have a breakdown but I think I need a big screaming crying session, but I'd be embarassed to have anyone see. This all basically determines levels and stuff for real, like, bloodwork doesn't lie. I can't get out of that. The recommendations based off of the results are legit and there's no way around them and it's just like AAAHHHHHHHH and I can't really take it. 

I don't know anymore. 

The Thing

You know. the bear. That one. 
It's still here. Nausea is real. 
Anxiety is real. 

Part of me wants to get better. But part of me doesn't. You know that. It's super hard and being home doesn't make it easier. Being back will, I think. But also harder too, because school and food and people and classes. It'll be different. 

Today didn't help much. I'm 102. 
How could I have gained four pounds in a day that can't be right that's wrong and you know it no no no no
Tomorrow is different.