whoops

I'm 107 lbs-my target from iop last time. 
I hate that number. I want everything outta my body. 
I was the last to finish meals today at the restaurant and not the last to get their meal either.
I made some poor life choices 
I do not regret them (yet)

Be disappointed in me. 
That's how this goes. 
I screw up and everyone yells at me and then I 
yell at me

conflicting

I ate 4 straight days of meal plan and I'm supposed to feel victorious but instead I feel like crap and bloated and fat. 
It was so so hard to deal with and I had so many urges to just not and say eff everything. But I did it and I can't for the life of me figure out why. 

For some reason I really wanted to do some bad things with my meds but I also didn't do that either. I don't know what's going on lately and I feel like I have no drive or core or direction. 
Everything I am has been shaped by something. I'm play-doh or a shell or I don't even know. 

sleep it off, sleep it off. We'll all be back tomorrow. 

Well then.

A list of things that happened today that weren't so great:

• SO MANY INTRUSIVE THOUGHTS 
• strong pull towards some of them
• especially on the metro this morning
• Very strong urge to self harm
• I didn't act on it bc I don't wanna disappoint my family
• Bombed a psych quiz. 71.
• Didn't complete 2 full meals 
• I'm 20 years old and I can't even do a simple task like cereal and milk without gagging. I feel like an inadequate baby. 
• I know it's physical and not my fault but staff doesn't get it. 
• Lotta things I'm not ready to deal with but will have to anyway
• WORK 
• HOLY SHIT
• I HAVE TO DO THAT YESTERDAY WHY THE EFF DID I WAIT SO LONG THEY'RE NOT GONNA KEEP ME FOR STAFF. 

I'm just really pissed off and angry at myself and the last thing I want people to do is turn it in on them, cause it's not their fault. I'm already bitter about reporting urges for self harm on my form tomorrow, but my Girls have taught me it's better to be honest with your Team, even if it sucks. ugh. 

I hate this. I just wanna sleep forever and not have to go tomorrow. 
But you know what I'll do.