let's see how many ways this can go wrong

Let's make a checklist of all the things I did on my weekend before graduation, shall we? 

• restricted saturday and sunday
• self harmed on Friday
• drank on Friday 
• had the urge to take laxatives 
• had really bad and low thoughts 

I am disappointed in myself, which is a step, because sometimes this doesn't matter to me. I have nothing to show for it because I'm graduating on thursday. So just shame. 

I worry that my apathy will kill me one day. I know that not everyone recovers fully from this. 25% of people die from it. It happened to a friend of mine's friend. It could happen to any one of us, really. I'm just at a low point right now and I don't like it but it needs to stop.