Perfect weight.

I am not the perfect weight. 
Far from it.
According to my mom, I should be 100-108lbs. That's skinny. Healthy. Perfect. 
I am not this weight. I am 111.2 lbs. According to mom, that's not good. It's 'we should buy you new pants', it's 'suck it in' weight. She weighed 120lbs once in her life, for swim team, and a lot of that was muscle. 
I need to lose weight. 

I'm used to being on the low side of the charts. Hell, I wasn't even on the chart for the longest time. I don't remember what it was last year. It was still lowish, but average, but not perfect. 

Take me back to college. Take me to camp. I want to not be judged when I eat ice cream or cookies or given knowing looks when I have a salad. 

It'll be better next week when I'm not crampy or bloated or craving things. I'm a whiny mess. I'm having a hormonal meltdown, it's not pretty. But It Happens.
I'm sorry. I don't wanna talk about it. 
Hugs would be good. I'm gonna cuddle with the zerbra and Bert my hippo. 
I need to hydrate more. Then I'll feel better. 

This is another whiny pipe dream rant.

usually I'd put a read more and tag this as 'ignore this' on tumblr. you really don't have to read this.


My cousin (ish, everyone we don't know the relation to is automatically a cousin) Stephanie went to LA and the UK for awhile. She tried and tried to land a role in shows and movies but nothing worked out Her dad even funded a large chunk of some project but it bailed. 
The closest she got was an extra in Bella and Edward's wedding in Breaking Dawn. 

That is a big reason why Mimi and Mister don't support theatre as a career. Mom was on my side for  bit and then completely switched. I understand the need for having a stable income and how that's super important for insurance and food and rent and how it's a tough life in theatre always bouncing and looking for the next thing so you can have money. 

That doesn't mean I don't love it. That doesn't mean I can't try!! I know I'm not the greatest thing out there. I am fully aware. 

without theatre, I don't know what I'm going to do with my life. It has always been a huge part of my life nd I can't give it up. I know they won't support a english and theatre double major. They want something I can get a stable and respectable career in. (Not that teaching makes tons of money either).

I'm just really at a loss (as usual) and kind of devastated. But I'm also sick and cranky and overanalyzing and overthinking again. It's really weird when people ask me what my major is and I usually tell them "i'm a declared english major but I'm thinking about doing xyz". Then they ask what I'm planning to do as a career and their faces when I say "I don't know" are full of disappointment. I'm 19! I have no idea what I am doing!! 

I want to do so many things. I just need to prove that they're stable. Boy is looking into Physical Therapy, something medical. Something stable and safe. I feel like crap and that Im being unrealistic and childish. 

Somebody pick a career for me. I am very tempted to just declare a theatre minor and see if I can bump it up to a major later. But I am so scared of disappointing other people and what they'd think. 

I just can't imagine my life without theatre being in it in a major way. It's been that way since first grade. I can't live like that. This is something that's always on my mind somewhere. my ignore this tag has a lot of posts like this. 

God I'm being overdramatic, I'm sorry. I should probably go do something to take my mind off of it. 

Hey Mama

When you're driving through states climbing up the radio channels looking for some form of music or anything as long as it's not talk radio and this is the first song to come on: 

Hey Mama by David Guetta ft Niki Minaj, Bebe Rexha and Afrojack

radiolocator.com is a Godsend. I now know many stations in NJ and DE lol. 

Hey Mama is stuck in my head.